o m i n o u s † c o m i x

CONTENT WARNING: death mention again & family BS in P4

Welp, I went a few days without blogging again, but it's alright. I've been ruminating more on my own time, and other than that I've been trying to cook up a commission page. I was also really sick. I had to stop taking my atomoxetine because the nausea got a lot worse when I tried to take a tolerance break with my vape habit, so much so that I was having trouble keeping anything down even when I gave up and vaped again. So thankful I had ramen stashed away, haha, because that was literally all I could stomach. I could barely code or do much of anything and I'm extremely lucky it only affected me at work once. I feel better now though of course, or I wouldn't be able to write at all.

I did just wanna pop in real quick anyway, because aside from content warnings and my thoughts on that, I feel like my tone in general has been overly negative and I wanted to rectify that. Maybe it's in my head, and I'm not saying I can't be upset or sad about stuff or anything—I mean, it's a blog, it's bound to get too whiny for someone at some point lol. It's more a personal issue of finding it really hard to communicate my more positive thoughts versus my negative ones and in turn I think that's made me seem like I really just dwell in shit all day. It's occurred to me this is probably a leftover behavior from when I was drowning in self-hatred and tbh was dwelling in shit a lot, and I can see myself fighting my tone in other entries, so I'll get better at it I'm sure. I guess I need to have more patience with myself is all. So, in short (too late!), I'm going to try and bring more positive thoughts in as well in the future.

With that, I hope you had a good Valentine's Day, however you spent it. Chocolate still tastes good by yourself if the company is good. It's just another holiday to make money for retail anyway, but I won't lie, I am not immune to the decor and candy. :P Maybe I am biased since my hubby and I have our anniversary on Valentine's, so it is a little bit sweeter to me. We were lucky and got to spend the day off together. He made burgers and I made him some of these silly love bug critters from a kit I got at work, and overall we just enjoyed each others company and it was lovely. He's taught me so much about unconditional love, it's hard to put into words. I keep trying and then I look over at him and get butterflies. I don't know how to say it. I just feel safe to exist, and that's something I never thought I would feel. ♥

Now the part where I address some of the last entry I guess, or vent a bit more. Talking with a friend about things really made me feel justified in feeling upset over the way some of my family has handled my mother's death, and furthermore how they've fitted my brother right into her old spot as the black sheep of the family. It's the baton she handed them when she continued to be oblivious to any problems going on with my brother and her hand in those problems. As my friend put it, "I loved her, she boy she could talk." The problem isn't even just lies she told, but lies she told and then chose as her own truth because the truth was too hard to take. This side of the family doesn't really understand that, as much as where she was looked like rock bottom, they still got to see the best version of her before she passed. I ensured that by keeping my mouth shut (until now I guess), because I wanted her to receive love from them. I didn't think for some reason her youngest would get all the vitriol all because he wasn't a walking doormat to her like I was. Was he also rude? Yeah, but cut the shit, man, you didn't live with her at her worst. "I hope he feels like shit," one said, well, I hope you do too. How many times has he lost his mother at this point? Fucking hell.

But anywayyyy, I think that'll be the last of that for now. I just had to get the last bit out. This is stuff I know I can't control, and my brother knows he can't either. I can't make myself a shield for fucking everyone in my life and there is certainly no point in trying anymore. That being said, I'm so looking forward to having the ability to hang out with him more often when I move. I think I've been letting this really eat me alive, but I'm finally not arguing with them in my head anymore, so I think maybe typing it out is the last step in letting it go.

I went ahead and put CONTENT WARNINGS on some entries. I may not always tag them with every single possible thing, but if it's something heavy like my mom or me doing some truly excessive bitching I'll throw something up there. I don't think my real life happenings are really on the same page as the stuff I draw, but idk, I'd feel weird if I did one and not the other. I think generally people expect to see some personal shit in here, as I said before, but my brain loves to work in very special ways so I must tag something to please it.

Okay, last bit before I sign off. I have actually looked into classes for different certs that my job actually offers through Guild, and I'm probably going to sign up for it tomorrow (today). I just got my old transcript in and I should make it right on time for the application. As for the commission sheet.. I am less inclined to put it up knowing I will start some kind of class soon, especially one with a bunch of tech stuff I don't know much about yet. I did put a lot of effort into it already though, like it's basically finished, so we'll see. If nothing else I have it ready for later.

Alright, hopefully getting that gunk out means I can work on focusing on what I can change, and voicing all the love and light I see and feel every day instead of just the voices in my head I spend so much time arguing with. Peace & love.

CONTENT WARNING (added 17 February 2024): DEATH, GREIF, LOSS, emotional abuse—I talk about my dead mom a lot and touch on our relationship, which was rough.

Holy shit, ten days since my last entry! (Technically eleven shh) I didn't mean to wait so long, but this last week wiped the hell out of me. I did start writing last night but I got too tired again. Basically, my days off have either been spent doing the usual errands or taking care of my late mother's affairs as her executor of will. I haven't technically started the probate process yet, but the word itself makes me want to gouge my eyes. It could be worse, I know. We didn't think we'd be left anything and we never considered a different possibility, so this is a nice problem to have, I think.

I still can't believe she's dead sometimes. I think of a phone conversation she had with an old friend of hers that she made sure I overheard, where she was talking about leaving the country and how we didn't need her anymore. How I was an adult now and had my ex to lean on, and my brother, not yet an adult, had my papa, so therefore it was fine for us to not have a mom anymore. One phrase always haunted me from that: "I've done it before." As in disappear before. As in she could do it at any time. I think about our last conversation a lot, and sometimes I just feel like she disappeared. I'll go to Thailand or Seattle and find her, smiling. Sometimes that voice is more convincing than I like to admit. It could be worse, because she didn't leave us, not every kid can say that. She didn't know how to be there for us, but she was there.

Looking back on that incident, I know that she just wanted to hear me say I needed her and to beg her to stay, which I did. Was this still incredibly manipulative? Yes. It's not the only time she's said things like that either, but it's all the same end goal. She needed to be needed. She was needed, every kid needs at least one parent, but she didn't know the first thing about that because it was not what she was taught.

I also keep thinking about how awkward that first therapy session back was after the news. She was obviously in shock and unprepared. The whole point of our therapy sessions was repairing the rift between my mom and I, and then she died and suddenly we had to come up with new material, which can be tough. I can't talk about autism with her: she doesn't get it / isn't specialized in it / honestly brushes me off when I bring up having it. Talking about my last ex was evidently a mistake, because she immediately started with the "why do you need someone other than your husband anyway?" And I had to forcefully drop the subject before she could misunderstand my polyamory any further. The new material is probably just going to be centered around my anger and time management. That seems like a safe topic. That and grief. I have rather limited options to get anything better here, and more and more doctors and specialists are leaving the clinic I get my therapy and gender care from. Soon we'll join the Texodus, but for now I'm lucky to have this.

Semi-relatedly, I think one of the wiser things my mom taught me was this analogy about bread pans that the Jehovah Witness' used to describe why every person is a sinner. Now I am not a JW, can't really say I ever bought into it, even as a kid, and nowadays you're more likely to hear me call them a doomsday cult and I'm only kind of kidding. However, I think this analogy is just as suited for describing generational trauma. You might've worked it out already, but basically, imagine a loaf of bread, but there's a big dent in the bottom that keeps it from being perfectly shaped. Is that the bread's fault or the pan in which it was baked? Think of the pan as the concept of family, and the bread as the family itself. Now maybe it's dented in one go but an effort is made in the pan to push the dent out, that's generational change.

The original analogy was more like, the dent in the pan represented Satan and his influence on the world and us, but I think I like my version better, haha. In any case, thinking of this has helped some in forgiving her transgressions. It started with me seeing a photo of a mother bear holding her cub, and it was on Facebook so there was probably a cheesy quote attached that I don't remember. Regardless, the image had me in tears in less than a minute, and in a similar vein to the bread pan, I wondered if the mother bear was unwell, but still trying. Is it the bear's fault, or the environment that created the bear? In human terms, I know each person still has a choice. The fact that she had a bad life doesn't make any of her actions okay. It just meant that was the baton she was passed and told to carry.

Not sure where I'm going with this, just needed to ramble I guess. I used to say often that I could write a book about my mother, but after reading Jeanette McCurdy's book, I think I don't need to. She went through so much more of course, and I'm notably not glad my mom died, but certain pages could've been in the same book I would've written. I guess there's this blog, haha, but not every entry will be about mommy issues.

Anyhow. My job has been making some changes and it's... well. Nothing I didn't fully expect from a corporation, but it sucks to deal with. I guess the wall of apathy I have built towards it all is keeping me from being as angry as I once would've been. Basically, they're eradicating the role of "Dedicated Business Owner", which is what I used to be. It means I "own" a specific department, and therefore each department in the store gets someone dedicated to it (not a managerial role tho!). Now instead of this role, they're all having us be glorified floaters and we all start the day with an "assignment sheet" to complete. They hope that this makes everything in the store easier to take care of, but uh, let me tell ya I have my doubts. I have personally seen what happens when specific departments do not get specific care. Here's a hint: they look like shit and their numbers reflect it. Even all the leads are hesitant, because no doubt they've seen what I've seen. I believe this is an elaborate way for the corp to cover their ass with the increase of people leaving, because you know what this does? Especially with the hours we're getting and "expected" to continue getting. This basically allows the company to hire team members and train them all the same way, barely, making it so there's no real loss when one of them inevitably quits. On paper, they can say this allows everyone to be versatile and learn more, and maybe it will! I personally don't give a shit anymore. I'm very done with this company and can't wait to leave myself. Also! I got a wee bit of confirmation that if my hours continue to be this low, I won't qualify for the healthcare anymore, so it's officially not worth it anymore!

I swear I'll stop whining, haha, there's just been a lot on my mind and I've had little energy to express it. To finish this off with something good, one of my boys turned four! Marius' birthday is on Groundhog Day, so he's my little groundhog cat. I don't think he predicts weather though, just feeding times. I have no idea where I put our miniature party hats, so he was spared from wearing one for a picture this year, but I drew one on him for you, haha. And don't worry, he received sufficient treats. He is all better, by the way! More good stuff.