o m i n o u s † c o m i x

CONTENT WARNING (added 17 February 2024): eating disorders in P5

Not much has happened in the past few days, but my mind feels so busy regardless. Marius is doing much better, the vet call to report back was Monday, so that was my internal deadline for him to get better. I found a hairball this afternoon though, so I will have to watch out for that. I've started brushing him as of a couple weeks ago or so when we replaced our cat brush, so maybe I just need to be more regular. I just looked over some dietary things we could try too, but he can be very picky, so we'll see.

I tend to forget I can add pictures onto these entries lol, so I'll include a little picture of my boys at the end. :3

The other stuff on my mind is mostly concerning? Things mostly out of my control admittedly. Work. It was hard to take when I had 24 hrs in one week, but then it started floating between 16-18. The drive to leave my place of work for another is cropping up stronger, especially since with hours that low, I have to just cross my fingers it doesn't invalidate my health insurance. They love finishing off their last quarter strong by culling the weak that can't afford to stay on, and of course the seasonal folks that leave or get put into the Cycle. Rinse and repeat. Next year I probably wouldn't see them if I stayed. My lead called me of the "OGs" a couple weeks ago and it really hit me just how many people have left from the crew that was here when I got on in 2020. None of them are left.

I say mostly out of my control, because I know I could technically get other work. I want to put up a commission price page, and I'll still do so, but I think it's more realistic at this point to just start looking at Excel tutorials and/or getting accredited. I've been thinking of going into data entry, since to my understanding it's all about organizing data, and organizing is something I have numbers to prove I'm good at now. I just need to learn Excel lol, because it's been, oh, probably a decade since I last touched it for school. It's not to say I'm "giving up" on getting work through art, but I guess I do feel a bit hopeless about it at the moment, for lack of a better word. Working so few days of the week, you'd think I would be studying for this already, but I've come to learn that my 20s are for teaching myself the self-discipline I wasn't taught before. And if you think teaching yourself self-discipline sounds like an oxymoron in action, you're right, but I think I'm getting there.

I'll probably attempt to bring this up with the therapist tomorrow before I even get the ED stuff out. I know how that sounds, but my ED hasn't been really "active" lately. I haven't purged in many months. I think I'm mostly hyperfixating on my diet itself because I've been on a big chocolate kick, but I've started eating fruits again too, and that's helping with some of the sugar cravings. I've been cooking more in general and eating way better after the break-up, so I think I'm panicking now that my diet is looking better and I'm eating more. (Also more days off = I'm eating more at home and more sedentary.) The stomach pains I talked about are a side effect of the Strattera (atomoxetine), and it's best to eat with the meds so the wave of nausea doesn't hit, but if the meal is too small, you get hit anyway. I guess it does show I need to eat better on days I work too if my stomach got that messed up. *sigh* It should say something though, that I'm actually visibly gaining muscle mass now versus before! So there's that! It's been nice to feel attractive when I look in the mirror overall.

Anyway, something fun I can report is that I played through a whole horror game all by myself! That probably sounds super lame lol, but I am one of those horror lovers that gets too worked up by the atmosphere of the game, and I get psyched out. I freeze up because the part of my brain that fears failure gets much more scared when the prospect of losing is sometimes literally screaming at me. It's very silly because I sit here and watch John Wolfe on YT and it's easy to feel relaxed and at home when he plays through them like any other game. Dead By Daylight doesn't totally count for me somehow, but I think it's the multiplayer fun aspect, combined with the fact that it activates a different part of my brain when I play. Multiplayer means if I actually play the game, I'm not going to be the reason we fail even if I'm not the reason we win, if the group I played with even cared about winning because, well, DBD is basically a hybristophilia simulator with a rotation of hot slashers, so in that case losing IS fun sometimes. (I mean the Mori animations give you incentive to be a special victim even.) Single player means I'm responsible for everything. If it tells you anything, when I played Outlast it was in a group of friends that kept passing the controller when we got too scared.

Anyhow, the game I played the other night was The Complex: Found Footage (free game btw!), a liminal horror walking simulator based around the "backrooms" concept, but it contains other references and it's own lore separate from other "backrooms" games that are going around right now. There is a monster in it, but I'm actually unsure what it takes to trigger an "attack" or if it just stalks you. When John played, it just peeked around a corner so quickly he didn't even notice it, so it's very possible that happened to me too, but I don't think I saw it. I did have a wooden bench scare the shit out of me though, so there's that, haha. Its atmosphere is super effective in my onion. I finished reading Ted's Caving Page after playing and that felt like a good companion to the experience. I can't wait to see new areas and have sweat rolling down my arms about chairs that are too long again. I can't wait to actually play other games too lol, it has me excited to finally finish Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

I think I'll work on site pages and graphics now. I added one on this page (!), but it's making me want to make a full nav bar of drawn icons... I had that idea in my head since I made this site, but I wasn't sure if it was worth the effort. I won't know until I try though! Anyway I hope you've been having a peaceful Tuesday. I've been listening to the rain all day and that's been pretty therapeutic. I only had tunes on when I did dishes. After that, nature was music enough, but it juuust started going sideways after I typed that, so what was once therapeutic is now giving me a bit of anxiety. Hoping everyone is staying safe if you're in weather like this, or worse. Tomorrow is another business filled day. Bye for now!

Reading back over my entries it's interesting to see my pinball brain in action already. I know it makes sense to me and I guess if it makes sense to anyone else, that's great too, haha. I'm trying for coherency, but I forget to keep it up sometimes. I guess part of blogging is practicing just putting things into words again.

I started this entry two days ago, but I guess this week took a lot out of me. All of the business that I meant to take care of in two days instead got taken care of in one. I think ultimately it's better for me to rip off the band-aid like that than to stretch out the anxiety over days, but next time I'll do it with slightly more planning so I don't wipe out.

Therapy last week went alright. It was good to get back into things I think, though I often have to step back and remember our differences in perspective on things and why she's asking me certain things the way she does. Sometimes it feels like she's trying to provoke a certain response out of me and I don't always play along, whether knowingly or unknowingly. That could be said of many people though and might me more of a general "me" thing. I am grateful for her advice at the end of the day, even if 45 minutes feels too short.

As for my cat, Marius is doing much better I think. We thought he was having asthma attacks but the vet said his lungs sounded really healthy, as did the rest of him, and that he wanted to try a steriod shot to treat a different condition. So far he seems to be doing much better! Back to playing and though it's not down to zero yet, he's not coughing/gagging nearly as much. The most so far has been 3 times in one day compared to countless times throughout the day. Here's to hoping it stops completely over the weekend. (۶ꈨຶꎁꈨຶ )۶ʸᵉᵃʰᵎ

Going off the last entry, I think I might make a Sims build gallery page at some point. I'm honestly shocked i didn't think of that sooner. I may make more available in the EA gallery as well, but I can't promise they'll be accessible to everyone, because I use a lot of mods. I guess I could list them out next to each one, as daunting as that sounds with my 5,000 and counting, haha. It's not like I use all 5,000+ on every build, but I'm basically going to need to make a list as I build. I guess every Sim blogger does that though probably, right? Or more than likely, that's exactly why I see so many popular Simmers on YouTube not use mods in the builds they share. Anyway, musing aside, I'll at least post pics at some point. :P

Things are looking up, I hope they are for you too. ♥ Until next time!

I hope the adjustments in order aren't too jarring. I realized the advantage of reverse-chronological order means that anyone that visits will see the most recent post first, and therefore will have to do less scrolling. Unless you just got here, because then you're just fucked. :P

I wanted to make another entry sooner, but I had projects to finish. I finished a couple of gifts for my husband that were overdue (last anniversary, Christmas), and even a random Sims build that overtook me, so I felt super accomplished. The gifts might be too personal to share pics, I'd have to ask my hubby first since they're his, but I can describe them at least. The late anniversary one is part of an ongoing thing I'm doing where I fill this jar with a new felted heart every year. The Christmas gift was a little handmade storybook with our cat and dog characters. It was fun trying to fine-tune a cartooning style, since I feel like I've only dabbled in that compared to other styles. Also more lettering practice. I think it turned out pretty cute, and sewing the binding was so satisfying. He loved it too of course, haha.

The Sims build was based on the design of Tadao Ando's Azuma House, and it was so fun to build a brutalist style home. I love brutalism. I think it's stark shapes and imposing forms kind of epitomizes the meaning behind the poem "Ozymandias", but also the meaning behind anything people create—it's a literal monument to impermanence. In creating something so fortified, they have simply made a stronger statue of Ozymandias so to speak, something in direct contrast with the nature that will still take it back one day, but no less susceptible. Does this make make any sense? Like when you see an abandoned building filled with ivy and housing critters. Or even when it's still lived in, the building cannot help but reflect the humanity inside it, due to it's severe contrast. The building cannot resist the will of it's inhabitants, so it reflects those inhabitants. I think this is true of any building, we all "haunt" the houses in which we live, but it's most jarring with one where most walls are a blank expanse of concrete and glass.

I guess another way of saying this, is that such stark forms simply help us literally see what's in them a lot better by honing our focus. Like seeing a single flower on a canvas, versus seeing a single flower out of a field of flowers—it's meant to make you appreciate what is there by it's own tenacity. I guess one could say it's a minimalism versus maximalism argument, but I'm too much of a trinket lover to really be waxing poetic about minimalism.

Anyway lol, just getting random thoughts out and getting the feel of this thing. I don't work the next two days, but they will still be filled with business regardless... I just hope all goes smoothly. I hate making phone calls haha, and even more I hate that one of my boys (cats) is unwell, but I try to be grateful. Even the ice outside is just making me think of the snow I'm going to see in the future. I can't wait to get out of here though. As for right now. Guess I'll see about drawing or starting the Giallo House build maybe, which is an idea I've rolled around in my head for a while. It's basically a fun haunted house thing, but I wanted to make it stylish. (ﾉΦωΦ)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Bye for now!

Is it inappropriate to have a couple entries already before I get this thing up? Oh well, I've never done anything right the first time, it's a funny time to start worrying now.

I don't have to close my eyes to know my dark oceanscape (meditative landscape) is turbulent, but it's mostly due to my stomach churning and making it hard to focus this morning. I never seem to know what it wants from me, and I feel like when I listen to what it wants I'm disappointing myself and my body. Well, luckily, my therapist called me out of the blue Tuesday with an appointment ready for me on our usual day. For context, I had more or less "dumped" her in my mind when I cancelled my last appointment with her, but now I felt a bit naked in the moment, and guilty for assuming she wouldn't follow up or care. (I can now see how cancelling after my mother died was a red flag, but ultimately, at the time it was still the right choice.) The point I was getting to though, was that I suppose my stomach/ED bullshit will be addressed in 2 weeks. Along with the death which we really kind of brushed over, but fuck, so much has happened since October alright? I'll get to it. It kind of deserves it's own space and lumping it together with other news just feels? Disrespectful? I don't know. I think that is a big part of the grieving that hit me immediately, actually, how the world just keeps turning regardless. The world doesn't stop for anyone. The life stops, the body rots, and we scattered her around a tree. Now it's January.

I jumped entries, but, going off the vibes of the first one, I feel like I've been in a pupa state this whole year. It's been hard to create, but all I think about doing is creating. So instead I just plan and ruminate. My energy has been drained by my job and I have only the evening hours to try and make up for lost time, and that costs sleep. A tale as old as time I know, haha. I almost found a balance when I was on 40mg atomoxetine, but then we bumped up to 60mg and I'm back where I started, but still ultimately a lot better than before. I can focus but only when I'm lucky enough to be tired at correct times. The psychiatrist told me that going back down to 40mg may be difficult now that I'm on a higher dose, which blows to hear but I'm gonna remain hopeful that there's a possibility I can do it.

Anyway, enough pill talk, honestly that medication is less concerning than how they keep jerking me around with my hormones, but I said enough. I'm blessed to have what I do, and to be able to complain about having a medication that's too strong. I'm lucky to be able to have testosterone in a state as hostile as TX, I'm even luckier that it looks like we'll be able to save enough to leave soon. Finally. And we don't really have a choice this time. At least I'm not viewing staying here as an option, but we are being softly booted when our lease ends. They want to sell the house we're renting, so they're "probably" not going to renew our lease. I should be more upset, but good riddance to this place. There may be some folks I miss here, but I'm itching to leave and I have been since I was a teenager.

I have a second mantra. "Six more months." It's been pretty good for calming down when silly things irritate me at work, that and the breathing exercises my therapist taught me. Yogic breathing, basically. In through nose, hold, out through mouth. Resets your heart rate. Very simple, but easy to forget how to do in the moment. "There's no time to breathe!" is untrue, even though it always feels that way when anger strikes.

I may add more tonight, if not, bye for now. Try to breathe, haha, and have a good Thursday.

Guess who decided to make a blog after all. I realized the point was just to yell about what you loved and not worry if it was "worthy." Anyhow, I have a new mantra lately, I guess you could call it. "Have a spine or don't." It's been helpful in keeping this new self in check.

I made a joke when I turned 27 that I was starting the 27 club challenge, a dumb thing I made up to cope with my tiny growing fear that I would join the infamous club. The challenge is just to make it to 28. (I warned it was silly.) The irony of this, however, is that I feel like the person I was the day I turned 27 is now dead and gone.

The thing is, he's still here, looking at me in the mirror. He's more familiar now and easier to look at, I think he looks less miserable and pathetic. That's a tangent of itself- the difficulty of trying to have compassion for the past version of me the way I'd do for the other people I love. Loving myself is finally not scary and difficult the way it used to be. I no longer need to be liked or loved, and therefore it's easier to enjoy the fact I am liked and loved by the man I'm married to, and friends I've kept. It's easy to write it out that way, the difficulty comes with all the reflection and realization that the very beast I wrestled with all these years was largely myself. My own choice to maintain the neverending task of Sisyphus and keep pushing that fucking rock. All me. I mean the concept of worshipping the golden calf is one that has been ingrained in everyone for as long as we've been a profit based society, so it's not like the ideas come from nowhere. Of course I wanted a good grade (the best grade) in being a person, that's how I was taught to interact with the world. Everything must be earned, even self respect, gotta get that from someone else, or the next best thing when I realize that doesn't work that way-gotta have someone like me. And this isn't just one relationship that came undone or something, though that was a long time coming too, it's the way I see everyone around me now that the last piece of wool is removed. The wool that I'm forced to recognize was maybe not put there by my own hand, but I picked up the relay baton and kept it there regardless.